Close Your Eyes: Love Isn't
by cocoidie-18
Summary: Many years ago, many more than I have considered before, for I have not thought on it for such a long time, a young girl loved me. And I cared for her. I drew her into my world I showed her things she had only dreamt of. Then I broke her heart.


**Love Isn't...**

Many years ago, many more than I have considered before, for I have not thought on it for such a long time, a young girl loved me. And I cared for her. I drew her into my world; I showed her things she had only dreamt of. Then I broke her heart.

"What an unusual name," Celeste Bowers exclaimed when I gifted her with it.

"The name I was given at birth."

"And that is your full name? You're sure you haven't forgotten one?" she teased.

"No, no that's it. My full name."

"I should be glad. Any longer and I'd forget it!" Her face lit up when she laughed. "And that I would not wish to do." She gave me a sly smile and walked away. Just a couple of steps before she looked back.

I laughed, delighted at her obvious wish for me to be clear of her intentions. "Is it such a good name?" I teased.

She shrugged. "Passable. So what should I call you? I fear I would run out of breath all too soon must I use all of them."

"My friends call me, Daisy. Don't ask, it's a bit embarrassing really, just call me Albus."

"Very well, Albus. But I hope that we might become such good friends that I might here the reason behind such an… interesting nickname."

"Perhaps." Was all the reply I'd commit.

* * *

I suppose you have guessed by now whom it is that tells this story, so I won't waste time introducing myself. However, perhaps now you wonder how and why I tell you this. I think, perhaps it is a case of monkey read, monkey don't do. This is a tragic story so if you hope for something different, or better, I suggest you walk away now. I cared for Celeste, she was a very dear friend and I regret that everyday.

* * *

Just a week later when Celeste called on me, she reached for my hand and I took hers. We smiled at each other and I turned to stare at the fireplace, wondering when I would hear from my old friend Gellert, who had promised to write. 

"Albus?"

I turned to see her staring at me. "I'm sorry dear, I'm a little preoccupied at the moment. Did you say something?"

"No… never mind, I understand."

I didn't understand. A pang of guilt gripped me, so I put an arm around her. It made her feel happier but somehow I felt worse.

I had hoped, since she seemed so taken by me, that I could care for her the same way. I thought I did at first but soon realised I was just responding to her attentions, that feelings of flattery were never the same as love. In my heart, I knew on that day I did not love her. In my young foolishness I thought that I could make myself love such a wonderful, warm person.

Another week went by and I knew she was unhappy. I could tell. I did everything I could to reassure her but something held me back. I couldn't bring myself to kiss her. The thought terrified and almost disgusted me, but she wasn't unattractive. So I did something else.

"Celeste, I'm a wizard."

Celeste gave a little half-laugh, but she could tell I was serious. "Albus, what are you saying? Do you… worship the d-"

I cut her off with a laugh. "No, no. That's what Muggle pretenders do because that's what they think they should."

"I don't understand. Muggle?"

I took out my wand. I knew I shouldn't really do this in front of her but it wasn't like there were any real laws against it. Well, there were laws but only if you got caught, which was unlikely there in my home. I transfigured the small wooden ornament my brother had given me last Christmas into a perfect rose and gave it to Celeste.

"It's beautiful! How did you do that?"

It was obvious she thought it was a trick. I thought a moment. My mother's cat was stalking past. I transfigured the cat, deliberately causing the transformation to stop halfway, so there was suddenly a ginger vase on the floor with a thrashing tail.

"Oh! Oh, how horrid!" Celeste eyes filled with tears and I quickly transformed the cat back. With a yowl and hiss at me it flew from the room.

"It's okay, Celeste. I just wanted to prove to you that it wasn't just a trick, that magic is real."

"Why? Why?"

"I trust you, Celeste. I want you to know everything about me. I don't want to keep secrets."

I thought she would cry and run away from me but her tears were of joy as she flung her arms around my neck. "Oh, Albus! I love you."

I don't think any other words could have made me feel worse.

She was happy for the next couple of days as I showed her some of the spells I knew. I delighted in her delight and forgot my feelings of uneasiness. Then an unexpected visitor called.

"Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do!" Gellert Grindelwald's voice sang out from the garden

I dropped everything, ran outside and there he was. We embraced fiercely. "What are you doing here?"

"Can't a fellow just drop in on his good friend? Am I being a burden?"

"Never a burden!" I laughed.

Celeste came to call later that day. "Albus! There you are. I thought you were going to meet me this morning."

"I'm sorry! My good friend arrived this morning and I completely forgot."

"Oh?"

Gellert suddenly appeared in the garden. He raised an eyebrow and grinned at me. "Who's this, Albus?"

He was being careful and I was grateful. "This is my…" the word girlfriend stuck in my throat and refused to come out. "good friend, Celeste."

"Good friend, eh? A Muggle too."

"Yes I am," Celeste said proudly.

"Ah she knows!" Gellert started dancing around the garden, making me laugh. He pulled out his wand and shot some sparks at Celeste. She dodged them with a smile. He shot some more at her as she whirled away. The more she dodged, the more, and faster, Gellert shot the sparks, and the harder I laughed.

"That's enough," Celeste called out of breath, but still the sparks flew at her. "Oh!" she cried as some grazed her cheek. She fled, followed by our laughter.

I did not think of Celeste for any of the three days that Gellert stayed. On the afternoon after his departure however, I wondered at her absence and went to call on her.

Her mother answered the door and let me in, despite her disapproving gaze. Celeste soon entered the sitting room and I immediately stood and went to her.

"Celeste! What happened?"

There was a scar on her cheek, a burn mark. "Has your friend left?"

"Yes, this morning. What happened?" I repeated.

"Don't you remember? Your 'friend' happened. Don't worry, I told mamma that I was careless with the iron or something. She believed me. I wouldn't do anything to get you in trouble."

I sighed. I could tell by her worried expression that she thought I was upset with her, but it was myself I was disgusted with.

"Never mind," I said.

I wanted to tell her I was sorry, I wanted to tell her she shouldn't be so concerned for me… but I said nothing.

"Can we… do you want to go somewhere and talk?" There was a pleading note in her voice.

"I can't. I have some errands to run. I just wanted to make sure you were okay," I lied.

She beamed. "I'm a whole lot better now."

My heart sunk. I was glad she caught me by surprise at the door when she kissed my cheek in farewell; I fear I would have flinched otherwise.

The fact had finally hurdled my delusions and I knew that while I did truly care for Celeste it was only as a friend and would never be otherwise. In my youthful inexperience and insecurities, however, I could never bring myself to say that to her.

"We could have a picnic near the river?"

"Hmm."

"There's a carnival in town tomorrow…"

"Sounds fun."

"Albus, is there anything you would like to do?"

"Well, I do have this project I promised to do for Gellert."

"Oh. Sorry. I guess I'll see you later."

I turned to her. To finally tell her that I wished to be just friends from now on, but she was gone. Tomorrow, I'll tell her tomorrow.

Tomorrow came. I could not go to see Celeste. I had to wash, and then I had to shave. Then I had to write a letter… I found many things I had to do that took up the morning. Celeste called on me after the midday meal.

"I'm very busy, Celeste. Can it wait?"

"Oh. Yes of course." As she turned to walk out the door she had only just come in, I managed to call,

"Celeste?"

"Yes?" The hope in her eyes was unbearable.

"I'll see you tomorrow."

Celeste did not visit me the following day. Or the next. With guilt-ridden hope, I prayed that the whole situation had somehow gone away.

I had to go to town and ran into her.

"Oh. Hi, Celeste."

"Albus… sorry I haven't been to see you in a while I… I've… been busy." She was a terrible liar.

"I'm sorry too."

She smiled. "Let's have lunch together. I'll make a basket and we can meet at the river… if you have time," she said shyly.

"Okay, sure," I agreed, thinking that today I would tell her.

We had lunch and an awkward conversation about nothing. I tried to steer the conversation towards our relationship but she expertly danced around the topic.

"I had fun," she said as I helped her repack the basket.

"Yeah," I replied, not knowing what else to say or how to say it.

The following morning I got up early. I had had trouble sleeping that night. Celeste was there in the garden, waiting.

"Albus, I'm sorry. I can't… it's pretty obvious… recently we haven't… I think we should not see each other for a while. Just for a while, so we can think about things and… things."

I closed my eyes in relief.

"You are okay with that aren't you?"

Her worried gaze told me she had misinterpreted my expression again. "No. I think it is a good idea. Probably for the best."

"Good," she said with a little smile and left.

I didn't think about it again. We even exchanged pleasantries when we ran into each other. We began to see each other more and talk as friends do. Until,

"Albus, are you ready to give it another go?"

"What another go?"

"Us."

That old sinking feeling returned. "Celeste…"

"I'm sure we can work things out. Look how well we have been getting along!"

"Celeste, can't we just stay friends?"

Her face fell and after a short struggle she smiled. "Of course!" she said brightly. As I mentioned earlier, she was a terrible liar.

I couldn't deal with the thought of her looking at me that way, with that hope. Certain of a love that had never truly existed. "I'm sorry Celeste. But I don't think we can. I care for you as a good friend but nothing more."

Celeste's eyes looked into the past. "Did you ever…"

"No." It was easy now.

"All that time… you never loved me. You made me think… I… I hate you!" She shoved me hard and I stumbled back a step as she fled from me.

I never saw her again. There were times when I wished I had, I wished I could explain but whom would that have served? What could possibly excuse my treatment of her? I know my love now but it is too late, it was too late. He was too far-gone down the wrong path. So many bad decisions made with good intentions and where do they lead? To life. And with lessons learned we pick up the pieces and keep going, keep trying, keep learning. Perhaps one day someone will live long enough to reach perfection. But not even my good friend Nicholas Flammel managed that.


End file.
